retrospect for love
lover
loves her
leaves her
she ain't scared
she ain't scarred
she's a healer
love's a healer
love heals her
Showing posts with label xo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label xo. Show all posts
Thursday, March 5
Monday, February 16
Monday, January 19
Saturday, December 6
On Waiting
On my 23rd birthday, I met a woman named Mars. I spent a lot of time talking to her about the kind of life I wanted for myself and she told me that if my intentions were good, the things I desired would come to me, in their own divine time.
I think that's the moment I chose to embrace waiting, and decided to spend the time actively pursuing other things until what I wanted arrived.
I am in love with a man. We have not known each other long, but we have taught each other many things. I do not believe in asking people to change in order to make myself feel more comfortable. I am who I am and I adapt as I see fit, and my expectations of others reflects this. There were things I wanted in our relationship that I told myself to wait for - simple words filled with love, days dedicated to being alone with each other, and the absence of anxiety when we talked. These things are here now.
It took me back to the only promise we made each other when we first started dating: Take things slow and easy.
It's easy to see how I've grown, but I'm amazed by how much he has shifted. He has had patience with his own heart (as well as the humility to ask for forgiveness, and the nerve to call me again).
So, no, I don't mind waiting, as long as I'm happily going about my business in the meantime.
I live in a city (nation? society?) where people talk a lot about "making shit happen" and waiting for things to come is frowned upon. But my own life has taught me that patience is necessary. I can call on things to come into existence and then do my best to prepare for them.
Friday, November 28
I've spent the last day and a half posted up in a bedroom playing girlfriend/private dancer/not-so-secret lover (sorry neighbors but the man's loving is better than good). The ex (aka the on-again?) is home for the break and we had been connected at the [yup] from the time I met him at LaGuardia until a few hours ago, when I had to go to Target to get a slow cooker for $15.
I spent yesterday with his fam. The food was a non-issue, which I'm glad about. I stuffed myself with starchy foods and got drunk off some Greek honey wine. His grandma is hilarious, his god son is the cutest kid in the world after my nephew, and his mom is gracious and mellow. She made a little curry veggie dish for me. He and I ate and talked and then retreated back into bed.
Conversations in the dark drew forth some secrets, things I couldn't find the words for but didn't wanna hold onto anymore.
Honestly, I don't think straight, I lose sense of time, forget the things I'm supposed to do, can't hear my phone... and nothing matters but me and him.
I'll see him again in a couple hours and it'll be just us until he flies back tomorrow evening.
Monday, November 24
An Argument For Letting It Be
So my friends have been raising their eyebrows at me because I haven't talked about It with dude.
It = the expectations and limitations of my relationship with him.
I tell them what we do:
We bestow each other with sweet and simple, heartfelt actions and words.
We casually mention us in future tense.
We only reference the past to laugh about a good time.
I fall asleep happy I have him in my life, nothing more or less.
This is why I'm not feeling compelled to have a discussion about our "status."
Are we "back together"? I don't know. Were we ever together? Is it gonna last? I'd like it to but if it doesn't, I want as many good memories as possible.
Maybe everything that happened from June to December, then from March to May was prep work. We know each other well. We've both realized his "I'm not happy"s weren't about me. I always knew my "I want more"s weren't about him. It was never about not liking who the other person was. The issues had to do with readiness, self-confidence, acceptance.
Truthfully, we have more of a partnership now than we ever did when we were calling ourselves a couple. Why dissect it and stuff it with definitions? Labels don't seem to serve any other purpose than to set a foundation for expectations and rules.
It's not that I'm not about having expectations. When I was kickin it with dude who lived right around the corner, expectations were still clear.
It's not that I'm not about having rules. Decisions are easier to make when you know what will and won't be tolerated.
When I'm with him, I don't feel as if I'm avoiding the topic. Frankly, when we're together, it doesn't come to my mind at all. When I'm with him, I'm caught up in our exchange, the eye contact and touches and words and silences and laughs and funny looks.
I think, in general, we spend far too much time talking about the relationship instead of being present in them. I think about my past experiences... blahblahblahing away. I think about one friend who has spent more time telling me about a dude than actually hanging out with him. What is that? My intuition is guiding me to just let it be, set aside whatever meaning I've given it for the time being and enjoy what he brings into my life.
Sunday, November 2
Sunday Shine* { 12-Piece Fried Heart }
Last weekend, this man flew me down South to spend two days with him. We'd been talking on the phone a few days earlier and out of the blue he says, "If I bought you a ticket, would you come down for the weekend?" I said yes before I could (over)think about it. It started off rocky (my flight got in late, he overslept, I sat in the airport for hours thinking the worst things), but as soon as I saw him the fear and anger just left me.I slept in his arms. After two weeks of recurring nightmares, I slept real good in those arms. We actually spent most of our time in (the softest) bed.
"he tells me all his secrets, he thinks nobody knows,
we lay together in daylight, I love him so"
We managed to steal a few moments to get in his car and drive out to the country. I kept my hand in his for those two days. We kissed and laughed a lot, ate really good food, kissed and laughed some more. And then I had to come back to New York.
I don't know what it all means. I do know that the time I spent with him was so deliciously warm and happy. Maybe the real purpose of the trip was for us to be loved and to love. We let our attraction for each other do what it do, no questions asked, none needed. I did think to myself a few times this is what I wanted for us when we were together. I thought maybe we should be back together. I'd like that. But it doesn't really matter what I'd like to happen, and regardless of what does happen, my two days with him were perfect.
Wednesday, July 30
Professing love is liberating
"I've realized we can't be together, but I just need you to know that I love you deeply. I never took the time I spent with you for granted."
"Thank you."
"I miss you."
"You are so wonderful. I'm so sorry."
"Alright. Good night."
I think the phone call the other night, all two mostly silent minutes of it, was the sweetest one we've ever had.
Monday, April 21
Saturday, April 12
A Poem #3
He
arrives unannounced.
scrubs my sinkful of dishes
presses his palms into my soles
orders in
confides and argues and laughs with me
kisses my face while we watch the lightning
pulls the covers over while we listen to rain
I
wake up.
go for a walk
go to the farmer's market
and come back home
smile at him on the couch, reading.
make us a breakfast to be eaten slowly
How quickly my guard came down.
How right it all feels.
Thursday, March 20
Good Love.
Over the weekend, K & I decided to try again and to do better this time. It's no secret that most of the doing better falls on him. But there are ways I need to change as well.
My friends tell me I have the "power" in the relationship this time. Personally I'm uncomfortable weighing power in a relationship, even if I sometimes recognize that dynamic is always at play.
I am more capable of protecting myself. It's silly that I worried about how he might feel to the extent that I was afraid to say exactly how I felt. Spent so much time so worried he'd leave me if I said the wrong thing. Insecurity is no joke. I'm over it. There is no wrong thing. We bump heads a little bit more now, and that's good for me, to show discontent, to argue without worry. I feel much better doing it this way.
It seems to have come from out of nowhere. I was convinced that we'd/he'd fall right back into the same stagnancy we had before. And yes, I'm still afraid he may eventually treat me like a book, a class, even his job, and lose interest again. I spent two months accepting his absence. I was more alright with it than not. But he is here now, very much in my life all over again and it hasn't taken long for the excitement of giving and receiving love to return.
So... we'll see, right? We'll see.
Saturday, October 20
That's How I Know
I wish I could remain solid, completely elegant, graceful in his presence. But the fact is that he's given me the space to fall all over, into bits and pieces if I need to, to pour myself all out on the tables and floors and counters if I must. My love is wild and has no regard for who or what is standing right behind or in front of it. As I love him more, I love myself. I love myself and then that feeling grows exponentially, and my arms open wider.
Friday, October 5
Getting Over
I'm going to let the universe do its thing. But I don't know what to do with myself.
I pour a glass of wine then dance around til I am hot and sweaty and high. Got a good book and got all in it, tried a little yoga for a minute, but it won't let go. The more time I spend alone, the more I want to talk to him. Ask him if he'd still be my friend. Ask him if there's still a chance. Can we at least still go see Bilal? Tell him a joke, hear that laugh. I didn't intend such a clean separation. It makes no sense. And while I look fine, my surroundings don't. My apartment is a fucking mess, a reflection of my thoughts. I have too many love songs in iTunes. Once again my bed feels too big.
I don't like this part. I don't like this part. I want him around. I don't like this part.
Monday, September 10
Keep On
Much has transpired in the last 24 hours.
I've been crying off and on about everything and nothing at all.
I have started telling my students I love them every day, especially when they are trying to get a rise out of me.
I tell my friends I love them because I'm realizing they are keeping me afloat.
I tell my mama and sisters I love them and that I don't even need to explain.
Sometimes I will even say I love myself.
I wanted to tell K that I have a lot of love for him in spite of many differences, but I might send him this video instead. I am proud of the friendship we made and I want him in my life, but he's gotta open his eyes a little wider to see what I go through.
Thursday, September 6
I'd Like to Take A Moment
He is refreshing. He is frank and unapologetic. He is calm and silly. He is awake and aware and ready. He is opening me up to new ideas and experiences and allowing me to face truths about myself without feeling like a basketcase. It's a shame that if I hadn't experienced the dread one really horrible man (the last of many) brought me, I would still probably be very closed off to getting to know someone like K.
Sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about him, I just feel lucky and I want to cry. It ain't never been like this before.
I know it may not be forever; I know that even though I'm happy now, there may come a time when I don't want it to be forever. We're still very new. So it's day by day with him. It's hard to do. Sometimes I think he's fighting how much he likes me and sometimes I get upset and want to ask him what's so wrong with falling for someone. But I think I understand. It's to make sure we see clearly what we have going on. We've got a good thing. It's not perfect, but it's as real as it has ever been for me.
Sunday, August 26
Got Something Good
We went to see Stardust last night. And let me tell you, it was amazing. And I am not a big summer blockbuster movie person, nor am I a fantasy/fairytale/romantic comedy movie person. But I think we both needed a fairy-tale last night. It felt good to sit in the back row, hold hands and watch a happy ending.
Tuesday, July 10
Summer Came Around
I'm exhausted by conversation.
Too tired for conflict.
Greedy for gelato.
Yearning for the sea.
Desperate for shade.
I don't leave the apartment because there's no where I'd rather be.
I pass time - hours - sitting naked in my empty bathtub on the phone with him. We're hot. Our phones are burning our ears, we know when enough is enough, when it's time to say goodbye, but it's so hard to hang up. Finally, we do, and my mind's on him for the rest of the day. I play love songs and memorize: The cadence of his voice. How his native Brooklyn tongue has been softened by years spent down south. The muscles I was surprised to find. His sneakers by some obscure Japanese company - I want my own pair. The bursts of laughter (he laughs at my jokes?). Oh! And the man smells so good! I can't help but nibble.
I guess I shouldn't fuss over which direction this could go. He's nice and I'm content. As Maria Full of Grace told me over the weekend, "Just go."
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