Sunday, February 17

Sunday Shine* { Listening to My Heart }

I am going to the emergency room today. I'm not sure when. In an hour? In a few?
I've been putting it off since Wednesday, when I felt the first and sharpest of the pains in my chest. It was as if someone took my heart in their fist, squeezed really tight for half a second and then let go. Since then, I've felt duller but noticeable and uncomfortable pains around my heart. Sometimes, it feels like the pains are in my heart. The pains were the most frequent on Friday night and then I had a glass of shiraz and drinking it felt like my soul was being coated with peace. A glass of red wine never tasted so good, felt so right. I didn't feel any pains for the rest of the night.
I could get very symbolic with this. I could make elaborate ties to the change in my diet, the need for this week-long break, the incredible stress of work, how much I miss K, how alone I am feeling despite my efforts to stay in touch with everyone. But right now, all I feel like saying is that the pains are scaring me. I've been avoiding the hospital for two dumb reasons: one, going to the hospital is a blow to my au-naturale, homeopathic ego, and two, the last time I went to the emergency room for a minor medical issue, I racked up $2000 in medical expenses (and I have insurance). But my instincts (and my momma's instincts) will guide me: Put on your sneakers, girl, and go to St. Vincent's.
I plan on a long wait so I'm taking some reading and my rarely-used journal.
I hope I walk out of there armed with some understanding as to what is causing this unrest and why it's happening in my chest, as well as holistic ways I can take care of it. I hope I can get on my flight on Tuesday and head to Cali without worry. I hope I am okay.


havestrength said...

thinking positive thoughts for you. be well.

i, too, hope you can go to cali! enjoy!

ahnka said...


the doctor says i'm good to go. but the pain is still there and i can't make much sense of the reasons they gave.

Anonymous said...

Glad to hear that they doctor said you are okay to go to Cali. I just said a small prayer for you. Sorry to hear that the pain is still there. Hopeful the pain will eventually go away. Wishing you the best sis.:)

ahnka said...

thank you for the prayer.
i am hoping that resting, in a place i've been trying to visit for so long, will be healing.