New Season

I step into autumn with this:


* I need more Saturdays like this past one: an afternoon spent in Red Hook by the river with a novel and my thoughts; a night spent with L, watching Video Music Box, admiring him with my side eye, finding excuses to touch those arms. The man is surprisingly playful, smart as hell and too fine - as his brother warned me, I'm in trouble, but that's alright for now.

*

* I need a green juice fast and yoga because my back's been killing me, I'm bleeding, I've been drinking too much, fucking too much, sleeping too little, not crying enough.

* My womb is healthier than I'd anticipated, so I'm delaying the sonogram/surgery process. Every doctor visit seems invasive and I leave feeling exhausted and on the verge of tears.

* I'm trying to find a way to honor this new kind of love, one I don't think I've received before. The language of it has been at the front of my mind for days, making me smile and scaring me just a little. But I don't know what to say. I just know how it makes me feel.


* I bought two (more) new pairs of shoes: impractical and kinda ugly vs. shiny and kinda sexy.

* I felt my shoulders relax a little bit after a phone call from K, in which he offered a long-delayed, much appreciated apology, then attempted to draw out the conversation. What do you say when you both care deeply, but can finally admit talking makes things worse? The exchange felt like we were playing with like a deflating balloon, both of us tapping it back into the air, but eventually giving up and watching it slowly hit the ground.

* It is nice to have something planned every night this week. I'm most looking forward to seeing Jazmine Sullivan perform Wednesday night and the excuse to dress up on Friday.