Sunday, May 27

Sunday Shine* { I Plan On Being Okay }

My issues around how little love I show myself and how much hate I feel towards myself are doing a dance in my head. Yes, yes, now I realize: these feelings are temporary but it's going to take quite some time to heal. Memories as far back as fourth grade and as recent as this afternoon make it so tempting to continue down a path of depression. I am working on not adding anything to my list of why I just don't feel like I'm worth much. I feel I need to do this before I can start erasing the reasons that already exist.

Despite all this, the result (of remaining in love with a man, making a huge mistake by jumping into a very unstable relationship with him, and ending the relationship too late) has made me extremely conscious of what's in, going in, and going on around my body. I still haven't made up my mind yet, and I have never been so angry in my life about anything or at anyone, but I know it's not the end of my world. I just know I need to to start making my world BETTER. A baby, now or later, can't have a depressed mama. It's hard for me to give equal thought to things like money and time and working because I've always been one to put love and anger and loyalty above all else. When I think about the practical stuff, I realize women do this all the time with a lot less than I have. Things fall apart and then they fall into place. Either way, I plan on being okay.

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