The Shift

In the past two days, two friends and one fellow blogger (congratulations Aichlee!) have received the wonderful news of acceptance into grad school. All the celebratory talk of fulfilling life dreams has me reconsidering the Mills College and Columbia applications I requested last year, and then filed away after convincing myself of inevitable rejection. All the lovely details of my aspirations blurred by a lot of self-doubt. But that is not the person I want to be, someone unwilling to even try.

Why am I so scared? K has made me hyper-aware of my fears and my tendency to let them divert me away from doing what is best, what is right or what could potentially be positively transforming for me.

Right now, with a career change looming in the future, my curiosities and passions seem to be forming a path for me whether I want them to or not. What job can be molded from serious interests in photography + nutrition + travel + education? I know there's an answer somewhere. Aside from my job, I'm so content with every other aspect of my life. Things haven't felt this good in a very long time. Never have I felt so proud of the things I have been able to do for myself. And things can be even better so I can't afford to be fearful.

I am trying. Instead of panicking about the recession and making superficial adjustments to my spending, I made a plan that should carry me through. But when I consider school and changing jobs, questions start to rise again. What modifications do I need to make to apply to school, attend school, search for a job, possibly move?

I don't mind the the switch, the interviews, the paperwork, but I'm unwilling to jeopardize my credit (which is in good-standing professionally and financially) or make moves without taking the time to truly understand the scope of it all. I want to be able to make the changes and sacrifices (or even consider making them) with knowledge, grace and balance.