Friday, January 4

A Few Last Things

It's funny how the 24 hours of December 31st cause so many people to do massive reflection - denouncing and claiming attitudes, behaviors, and ideas left and right. Sometimes it all seems so arbitrary, as I believe self-reflection to be an ongoing practice. I'm sure most of us do make personal resolutions and promises whenever we encounter or complete a new experience. Summertime is when I felt myself healing from the struggles (most related to teaching itself, but a few not at all) I dealt with my first year of teaching. I had to admit to myself that I couldn't revert back to old ways even if I tried.

At yoga on Wednesday evening, our instructor Moni, really focused on asanas that could be tied to transitioning from an old year into a new one. Towards the end of practice, we did ardha Matsyendra, a spinal twist, which she linked to the sankofa bird. It's always okay to go back into your past, and take whatever you may have forgotten you need as you move ahead. I held the posture for a long time, while in my mind, I went through last year, month by month, holding the twist, forcing myself to turn a little bit more, and recounted lessons (and just some recollections) that I want to bring with me.

Lessons from 2007...

  • my apartment is the greatest apartment in all of Brooklyn! Seriously, it is my sanctuary.
  • save the lunch money and come to work with tupperware full of berries, a variety of nuts, chunks of melon, hard cheeses and Kashi crackers
  • trekking through bad weather & standing in long lines simply to get a bargain on organic produce is always worth it
  • as a teacher, I am raising children to a degree and I should remember this, always, before I am angered by them - there is nothing they do or don't do that has not been taught to them.
  • never take the sunny days for granted.
  • yoga is not intended to be an expensive, competitive or painful practice.
  • an abortion is never an "easy way out" and believing that it is is a danger and disservice to women
  • public libraries: best. idea. ever.
  • the skin tones of my family are changing (lightening) and I'm okay with that, for we are now worldwide
  • her relationship, her school, her bank account, and her ability to turn heads all come with her cigarette addiction, her bad credit, her vulgar language, her financial dependence on her parents & her manipulative boyfriend - which is to say, the grass ain't greener
  • I think I love dancing more than teaching, photographing and writing combined
  • there is something to be said for my ability to love someone who fought his way out of loving me, to forgive him for his selfishness, and to be grateful that he spared me severe heartache.
I don't know why, but 2008 feels like it will be pivotal and climactic.
I'm excited about it.
I'm very ready for a serious change.

I thought I'd be crying tonight, because I'm still sad, I still feel lonely. But after writing this, I'm fine. A little bit closer to acceptance.


kameelah said...

good luck in 2008 :) a couple of your thoughts/lessons resonated with me. everything makes so much more sense in hindsight.


ahnka said...

Thank you ;)
Things do make a lot of sense in hindsight, and that's very valuable. But I'm finding that perhaps I wouldn't be using hindsight right now, if I'd been using my intuition then.

Be well & good luck to you too, Kameelah.