Sunday, June 3

Spring Babies/Summer of Love

It's supposed to be the best moment of my life. I want it so much. My heart and mind were open and everything was going to be okay. I know it would be the most beautifullest little being. I know it would change my world. And that's the worst part.
Nothing has ever shattered me as much as deciding I can't have this baby. I can provide all the love in the world, I can provide amazing experiences and opportunities, no doubt, but I can't force the father to be a father. I cannot force him to be there. I can't force him to acknowledge this life. The courts can't even force him to be financially responsibile. And I can't bring that resentment into a chid's life. I can't let it go through what I see hundreds of kids going through. Things don't need to be perfect; they never are. I don't need a wedding band, because that don't mean a thing (to me). I don't even need the man to live in the house with me. But he's gotta want to be around and want to be involved and be absolutely commited to that involvement beyond a set number a years. That's my standard, and when I found out it wouldn't be met, it really did a number on me. I didn't expect sheer joy on his part, but I didn't expect the selfishness and disillusionment either. It left me speechless, but also made me see the situation for what it was.
Only recently did I accept the reality of the situation and I'm choosing to go with my instincts - because if there's ever a time to go with those instincts, it's now, when they are of the motherly nature. As I said before, as I've been told by friends, I'll have another chance.
So, on Tuesday, it's over resolved (physically, anyway) and all I can do is pray that I forgive myself.
And I ask for your forgiveness too. I know, T. Thanks.

1 comment:

Latoya Peterson said...


I've been where you are. It isn't easy and you never forget. Only time will tell if you made the right decision. If you thought this through, normally it is. Good luck, and remember that somewhere, someone else is going through this too.