Tuesday, September 30

High Gets Higher

I'd been having a hard time conjuring up the words to explain whatever it was that was happening over the last week or so. I tried many times to force something out, put my faith in the first words that came to mind, but I couldn't. Before I know it, I had about a dozen attempts... here they all are, compiled in no kind of special order, and still as elusive as ever.


Student 1: I don't have friends, I have associates.
Student 2: But you wanna go out with her now.
Student 1: So?
Student 2: Say you two started going out. You'd have a girl who is also your friend.
Student 1: Nah, she won't be my girlfriend. She'd be my girl.


The language we use has lost meaning. Or maybe it's just always been restricted by our inability to say exactly what we want, who we are, what we're doing. Are we lovers or jump-offs? Have we been in a long-term "open relationship" or just been booty calls for the last four years? Sexual encounters no longer stand alone, too much is being confessed in between. I try not to read into the time that has passed, but I can't help seeing something important in what we say now compared to what we said then.


give me man cool to curl up with watch the fall and note how the mind isn't too far off cook breakfast simple something with blueberries make him think twice about leaving first thing keep sheets warm instead kiss that mole inside the right leg after the last bite lick as i talk about yesterday's lessons how the kids ain't learning a thing hope ours won't be like that go silent and let imaginations conjure up each other as parents i want to be the woman in the photograph embracing her man and her child her manifestation of love proudly on display on the mantle next to a plate of sage snap back into the moment i might always blush when i share my poems with lovers fucking is just the title the verses are in the right before and the just after


Up front by the speakers, my shoes come off and I make a quick wish for no broken glass. I just have to wait for the rhythm to fill me up. I start to feel stronger. That's what I like, when I start to feel like a twist of my hips could possibly be the beginning of world peace. I know it sounds silly, but I have thought it a revolutionary act to lose oneself in a song (thank you C, many, many times over, thank you). When it happens to me, I look slightly drunk and off-beat. I look a mess. But if you watch long enough, you will understand something about me, why I stay in a constant state of motion. I'm set on recreating these moments in all spaces, as I cook and write and teach and fuck. It's the closest thing I've got to ritual and religion.
The other night, I caught this man watching me. I usually ignore whatever audience I have, close my eyes, do me. But I liked how he was watching, and he was alone, and handsome, so I moved right in front of him, which made us both smile. Don't know how many songs I danced through before I stopped to rest. He complimented me afterward, genuine appreciation and you know it made me feel absolutely beautiful.


I am in the midst of getting to know another man. The only expectation we have is to not have any. If we never hung out again, there'd be no broken bits of me to pick up. A relief or a shame, I don't know. But it is evidence I've learned some lessons.


irondrum said...

I love this new song of yours...beyond wails..beyond walls....the ultimate harvestfeast for self.

Unknowingly, I've plucked from your words, your boundless geography, so much that will remain yet unsaid, but intimately understood.

as trite as it sounds...you inspire.

txsunflower said...

been peeping your blog like a church girl reading the book of Psalms. It's quite delightful. so much of what you say: i feel/am feeling/have felt. thank goodness for your writing and your ability to share so much-pace yourself though. B..fly
gonna try to make it up to NY for my bday 11/23. Hope to c u.
u smile, ok?!

Triple B said...

Yeah, something's come over me.

Good to have you reading.
I'll heed your advice. I know I need to not get ahead of myself... that goes for everything I'm doing/trying to do now.
Definitely let me know when you make it up here.