Thursday, July 31

Wounded Womb

The sonogram revealed a tumor in my uterus (most likely a benign polyp, perhaps worse) though my pap came back fine. I went to the doctor because months ago i started bleeding very heavily.
I've always felt my cycle is a cleansing and I've always welcomed it. I'm in peaceful mood while I bleed and always on the up and up the first couple of days it's over.

But for about a year, I've suspected something was wrong. I believed I had an STI (full disclosure: HIV) for months, even after I tested negative. Then I believed I was getting my just dues for the two abortions I've had (and do not regret, but over which I still feel remorseful).
This growth, benign or not, will require another sonogram, a biopsy, and surgery. This growth does have the potential to return and to affect my ability to conceive.
So I've been talking to my womb, asking what I did wrong, how I can begin healing. I'm inclined to turn to the red tent ladies in Miami (where I will be for the next two or three weeks, I've decided, since New York is working my nerves), but it would just be for reassurance and reaffirmation. I've already got my answers: a set of standards I created long ago but have been struggling to uphold for the last few months.

It's jolting to find my womb unhealthy after spending a couple weeks visualizing motherhood and verbalizing my beliefs about how I will raise my children (regardless of finances, where I am, who the father is). Also, teaching has always made me feel somewhat Mama Bear-ish. I believe that only when things are lovely down there, can things be lovely in the spaces I enter & create. I'm looking forward to the healing process. I can't wait for the beaches, for the company of my little niece and nephews, for open sky.

Today, I'm seeing MeShell at MetroTech.


C said...

The body is such a delicate thing. I'm glad you're taking care of you!

TruEssence said...

Sis reading this is very humbling. It has been to long since I have had a check up. I am glad you are listening to your body and not letting your concerns go. You took action! It is a reminder for me. I am wishing you all the best when it comes to your temple. I have a great time a the concert!:)

tree said...

you're in my thoughts, bee. be good to you, hun!

GirlGriot said...

Hey, B, I'm sorry to hear this. I've had my share of reproductive woes -- two fibroid surgeries so far, trying to ward off surgery #3. Feel free to check in with me on-or-off-blog if you've got questions. You seem very aware of and good at taking care of your body, so you're already 48 steps ahead of where I was when I found my first tumor. Sending you good thoughts.

ahnka said...

Wow. Thanks ladies!

Anonymous said...

Be well, my sister.:)